Ugly art, hellebores & Mary Oliver
Baby birds are generally quite ugly but it’s a phase they go through and a natural part of their development. Pretty much all of the art I make intended to be a finished piece goes through a ‘baby bird’ stage, even exploratory, sketchbook drawings if they are deeper and/or more detailed. Whenever I reach the ‘ugly’ stage I experience the anxious feelings and critical thoughts all over again. There’s no way of avoiding this phase (at least, I’ve not found one) but there are ways to reduce its misery-making potential, its duration and move through it in a forgiving way.
Very recently, I was working on a drawing as part of my quest to draw landscapes. It reached its ‘ugly’ stage quite quickly and I felt lost in the drawing. I couldn’t find reference points in relation to the elements of the drawing, the harder I tried the more I couldn’t see. Every mark I made added to the confusion and I could sense my facial expression was one of mild disgust mixed with perplexion.
The ‘ugly’ stage of the drawing.
My thoughts went like this:
“Eew, that’s not right. It looks a mess. This is going badly. It’s getting worse every time you put your pencil on the paper.” Each of those sentences is a separate thought. They come rapidly and at first they are whispers but then they really get going. “That’s really crap. You’re never gonna do it right. What made you think you could learn to draw? WTF are you doing? Who do you think you are?” A cacophony and it can degenerate quickly. These thoughts in turn create physical sensations of anxiety, increasing the general discomfort.
Sound familiar?
Being aware that this is likely to happen, I have my feelers out for it as I’m working. My early warning signs are a contracting of my stomach muscles (which feels like the look of a snail retreating into its shell) and that facial expression of mild disgust/confusion. Then I stop, put down the pencil/brush, breathe out fully, take a recoil breath in and as I breathe out again slowly I say to myself, “Hello baby bird stage.”
I imagine a nest full of ugly baby birds, eyes closed and featherless needing warmth, shelter and food. This turns the feelings of disgust/confusion into feelings of compassion and kindness, dissolving anxiety and shifting focus temporarily away from my work. Then I decide if I want to have a break from making art or whether I want to address the ‘ugly’ art I’ve just made.
Before I go back to drawing/painting I have a conversation in my mind with those critical thoughts, as described in my workbook “Making It Easy To Make Art”, to decide how to improve the ‘ugliness’ and continue working. The ‘ugly’ phase passes surprisingly quickly and gets quicker with practice.
I’d be very interested to know if you have baby bird phases when you work and how you get through them. Feel free to leave a comment below or, if you’d rather respond privately, you can write to me here.
The completed drawing having moved through the ‘ugly’ stage.
What I’ve been reading:
“Devotions” by Mary Oliver. A selection of poems curated by Oliver herself. It’s a big volume and I’m reading the small section “From Swan 2010” at the moment. “On The Beach” is the one I’m reading and re-reading. Stones hugging.
What I’ve been watching:
“The Fish Doorbell”. In Utrecht, in the Netherlands migrating fish swim through the city centre to their spawning grounds. But, and it’s a big one… there’s a lock which bars their way. If they get in the lock they can’t get out unless the lock gates are opened. Local ecologists have placed a camera at the bottom of the lock, stream it live on their website and ask people to watch and when they see a fish to click on the doorbell button. The lock keeper monitors the number of doorbell ‘rings’ and when there are enough fish, opens the lock gates to let them upstream. Every week there’s a news report which is superb. It’s clear, engaging, fascinating and uplifting to watch. Citizen science and conservation rolled into one!
You can help the fish on their journey and learn more about the project here.
From my sketchbook:
Sometimes I have the urge to slosh water and paint around, be bold, get my hands covered in paint and create without caring about colour combinations, cockling paper or what it looks like. I worked on 10 different pieces of paper at the same time, walking around the kitchen table to reach all of them. I don’t know what they’ll become but I had fun!
